24 March 2010

The tears of a Mama

Lately I have not known how to handle myself. I have been watching the swift changes in my nearly 1 year old son and I think back to a year ago. As I held my son in the hospital I felt the contentedness of a new Mama. I never thought I'd feel that. The newness of it all was overwhelming, his little toes, his little mouth, hit little tiny body! By the time I got home I was soon overwhelmed by the crazy exhaustion I felt. I wished every single day away. I wanted him to be bigger, to not nurse every 1-2 hours. I wished that he would sleep at night. I wished that I wouldn't be crying all the time. I wished that he would acknowledge that I am his mama and that he loves me. I wished, I wanted...

How shameful, I never realized the gift of the days with little baby Liam. I want those days back. I will never get those days back.

So, as I've been packing away infant odds and ends I have been praying for another baby. I have also been praying for a better mindset when/if the next one comes. If only I weren't so depraved, perhaps I would see what is in front of me and not miss God's blessings. I know I caught some of them...but I want to catch all of them, like goldfish in a net, just swoop them all up and take them for my own.

Can one ever really live like this? Can one's eyes be open at all times to what God is doing, how He is working? I shed tears over this: that I cannot be closer to God, close enough to see what He is doing in my life at the moment. Hindsight really is 20/20, sadly. So I will continue to pray daily that I would have my eyes on God and that I wouldn't miss out on the blessings life that He is giving me.

5 comments:

Brenda said...

IF you manage that mindset you seek upon the enternace of the next Pearce child.. please let me know it arrived and how you got there exactly. You are not alone... I've heard others say it comes with age.. I have never been there at ANY age, any number of children. Sleepless nights, endless days of totally dependent children..it takes it toll in a major way. I look back now and wish for those days, yet I KNOW I was miserable when they occured. I hear you!! Oh to have a perfected perspective in any moment, especially when dealing with babies.. I have found Barbara Wallace's words of wisdom always fitting: This too shall pass. She would tell me that each and every Sunday morning as I arrived disheveled.. and she was right!! It DOES pass. So quickly that you wish those days back, only you can't rewind. This surely must be part of God's design, to show us our weakness in His great gift of life. Just keep on keeping on Becca! How our Lord must rejoice in His daughers having to depend on Him!

Brenda said...

IF you manage that mindset you seek upon the enternace of the next Pearce child.. please let me know it arrived and how you got there exactly. You are not alone... I've heard others say it comes with age.. I have never been there at ANY age, any number of children. Sleepless nights, endless days of totally dependent children..it takes it toll in a major way. I look back now and wish for those days, yet I KNOW I was miserable when they occured. I hear you!! Oh to have a perfected perspective in any moment, especially when dealing with babies.. I have found Barbara Wallace's words of wisdom always fitting: This too shall pass. She would tell me that each and every Sunday morning as I arrived disheveled.. and she was right!! It DOES pass. So quickly that you wish those days back, only you can't rewind. This surely must be part of God's design, to show us our weakness in His great gift of life. Just keep on keeping on Becca! How our Lord must rejoice in His daughers having to depend on Him!

Rebecca said...

Thanks for your wisdom, Brenda, in pointing out that I NEED to be dependent upon HIM!!! Isn't that what it's all about? Dependence upon Him for every single moment of our lives...and then only to enter into His eternal presence because of His work on the cross...nothing I've done...

Elizabeth said...

I'm so glad I stopped by! I love your redesign, Becca, as well as your two latest posts. Certainly some food for thought...I have found myself in a similar position, wishing away the days of graduate school. I know they are nothing compared to the joys and stresses of motherhood, but in a similar way, I have wondered, when will this be over? And I am sure I missed some great blessings along the way because my eyes were fixed too far into the future.

Thanks for the reminder to live in the present, and to be grateful for whatever the Lord gives for today. "The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup..." Ps 16:5

Sarah Mae said...

You won the Boy Who Changed the World! Yay, congrats! Please email me at sarahmae (at) likeawarmcupofcoffee (dot) com with "Boy Winner" - thanks! :)