The tears of a Mama

Lately I have not known how to handle myself. I have been watching the swift changes in my nearly 1 year old son and I think back to a year ago. As I held my son in the hospital I felt the contentedness of a new Mama. I never thought I'd feel that. The newness of it all was overwhelming, his little toes, his little mouth, hit little tiny body! By the time I got home I was soon overwhelmed by the crazy exhaustion I felt. I wished every single day away. I wanted him to be bigger, to not nurse every 1-2 hours. I wished that he would sleep at night. I wished that I wouldn't be crying all the time. I wished that he would acknowledge that I am his mama and that he loves me. I wished, I wanted...

How shameful, I never realized the gift of the days with little baby Liam. I want those days back. I will never get those days back.

So, as I've been packing away infant odds and ends I have been praying for another baby. I have also been praying for a better mindset when/if the next one comes. If only I weren't so depraved, perhaps I would see what is in front of me and not miss God's blessings. I know I caught some of them...but I want to catch all of them, like goldfish in a net, just swoop them all up and take them for my own.

Can one ever really live like this? Can one's eyes be open at all times to what God is doing, how He is working? I shed tears over this: that I cannot be closer to God, close enough to see what He is doing in my life at the moment. Hindsight really is 20/20, sadly. So I will continue to pray daily that I would have my eyes on God and that I wouldn't miss out on the blessings life that He is giving me.

Ever Thankful

I have been asked by a friend to blog...so here I am...blogging. I kind of forgot about this little place on the internet, but maybe I'll revive it?

I really love this blog http://www.aholyexperience.com/ and have been challenged by her lists of "1000 endless gifts". I have been keeping lists myself, especially when the days get rough. As I am prone to be anxious about anything and everything (and have nearly driven myself to insanity), I turn to God's Word to set my mind right. I believe that Phil 4:6 tells me that when I am anxious pray to the Lord and to not forget to be THANKFUL. So, in turn, I write down what I am thankful for...here's a list for you:

1. A husband who loves me

2. A home

3. William Isaiah Pearce

4. Salvation

5. Daily Bread- physical and spiritual

6. A church body

7. A loving family

8. Sunshine

9. Two cats

10. Books

11. Spiritual revival

12. The ability to observe a legacy

13. July 16, 2009- Grandpop's going home

14. The Lenten season

15. Clean laundry

16. Tea

17. A happy baby who says "Mama" and gives kisses

18. Lunch with friends on a Sunday afternoon

19. Promises of Spring

20. Fernando Ortega's music

21. Coupons that keep an abundance of food in our pantry

22. The love of my Grandmother

23. My Grandmom's faithful witness to her grandchildren

24. Clean sheets

25. That no one is totally unique